Rest In Paradise 😭

Well, these past few weeks have been extremely rough to say the least. On May 6th at 2:02 pm, my mother left this earth to go live with The Lord and our passed family members. Being the eldest child, (and honestly the only child who gives a shit) it all fell on me to have her memorial at my home, which mostly consisted of my close friends who called her mom. I had to pay for my mothers cremation and her urn and a keepsake necklace (both pictured below). Well the storm of emotions are just starting to settle, and tomorrow… Tomorrow is the day that I pick up my mothers remains, and I swear you would think she’s made of gold! “Oh I need some of her ashes, oh wait no I should get all of her ashes, oh but she promised me I could have some of her ashes when she died”. Are you fucking kidding me?! First off, I don’t have to give anyone a damn thing, she was MY MOTHER!!! She wanted to be made in to a bio tree alongside my grandmother (her mother) when she passes. So no, you don’t get half of her ashes for some dumb shit, her ashes will remain in my possession until my husband and I buy our own home, then her and my grandma will be planted in our backyard. 

The necklace pictured is a sample of what mine will be, except its sterling silver, and it will be my moms fingerprint. They are also giving me the hard copy of her whole hand of finger prints (which one might become a tattoo in the future)

This was the urn that I was drawn to as soon as I walked in to the room filled with sample urns. I was with my best friend Joe, and I walked straight to it. I knew that was the one for her. I looked at the other samples but no, I wanted, she needed that one. It fits her, she loved being around the water, and she was always such a free spirit, it was meant for her, and I made sure that happened. 
I don’t know how I’m gunna handle tomorrow considering it’s almost 5am in San Diego and I’m still trying to get tired. How am I gunna handle holding a metal container filled with my mothers burned up body remains, how can I say, “yeah that’s my mom in there on that shelf.” I just don’t know how I’m gunna do. I’m so grateful that my bestie will be by my side tomorrow and be here to help not only cope with all of this but help me with my kiddo, he doesn’t like seeing mommy cry or get upset so my bestie distracts him in his bedroom with building blocks when I have a meltdown. 

I just have to stay strong, that’s what she would want, is for me to learn from her mistakes and be the best mommy and wife I can possibly be. I’m working on it, it’s my biggest goal, to be the best me for my family, to make her proud up there seeing that I made it, I succeeded, I got everything she ever wanted for me, a wonderful husband, two beautiful sons, and in the future someday a beautiful daughter. 

I’m gunna make it mom! We will celebrate you, and fight for what you always dreamt for us! Ih and p.s. Mom, I think we were closer than the Gilmore Girls ;)Forever And Always, In My Heart ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

This is where my mom was most happy ever, cuddled up with little prince, watching super why, reading books, taking naps. I’m so glad that I have this photo, it is truly the happiest I’ve ever seen her. She was born to be an amazing grandma and she fullfilled both goals ❤️


This is us on Mothers Day 2015, it was such a hard day, she had just gotten out of the hospital and admitted to rehabilitation for leg strength and learning how to eat again etc from being in a coma for 3-4 months, she wasn’t feeling well so I went and bought her a simple black outfit so we had some nice pictures, they made her day! The day started with her depressed and hair matted and needing to shower but unable to get any kind of clean except a sponge bath 😦 but she was so happy to take family photos! I’m glad that made her day. I’ll never forget it. 

The Fear of Baby #2

Okay, so lately me and the hubs have been trying to have baby number two, and as I start to actually think about what all it means to be a mother of two, i start to panic. I’m not so much scared of the birth, or being able to handle terrible twos and having a newborn.  No, what I’m scared of most is that I wont be enough, that my Son wont feel like he is as loved as he is now, or that I wont be able to give my all, instead be giving each child 50%, and for me that is terrifying! I never want my son or future kids to ever feel that if their siblings weren’t born that maybe id love them more. My son means so freaking much to me! Some of you don’t know this but my two-year old is not my first child, I actually have an almost 9-year-old, but I chose Adoption as I was just too young. But see the difference is, I didn’t raise him, I didnt have two children in my home. I have always been a mother of two but my firstborn is simply not with me, and I’m glad that he has the life that he does. Anyways, I saw  my second child as a chance to prove that I could be and would be an amazing mother, but this overwhelming fear I have just wont quit! It makes me want to scoop up little spencer and bring him in to my room to cuddle, it makes me want to just hold him and kiss him and squeeze him. I can’t be the only mother with this fear right? I just want to know that I am giving all of my children 100%, not dividing it up among them. They deserve 100%, I just need to reassure myself that this life was made for me, I am meant to be a kick-ass mother and wife, I am meant to stay home and raise my family, I am meant to be a mother, wife, teacher, nurse, counselor, chef, and every other title that comes with being a Stay-At-Home Mom/Wife, and that is exactly what I will be, whether I have one child, or the 4 that me and hubs talk about 🙂 I am SuperWoman!

All Lives Matter. #EndRacism 

As I sit here eating dinner with my son, and watching his new favorite movie Cars, I can’t help but feel terrified for my child, and the world he is growing up in. I love my sons more than anything in this world (first born is not living with me but I’ll get to that at another date), and I can’t help but feel like I did them wrong by choosing to conceive and bring them in to this totally fucked up world. Now don’t get me wrong, my children are the absolute best thing to ever happen to me. I just wish that this world had more to offer them. 

This is all stemming from my husbands recent decision to become a police officer. Once he puts on that uniform he is an instant target, it doesn’t matter if he’s one of the good guys, or if he has a family and kids at home, all they see is a blue uniform, the “enemy”. It takes everything I’ve got not to beg him to choose another path, but this is what he wants. 

I know I’ll probably get a lot of crap for this, but I’m so damn sick of the Black Lives Matter Movement! It’s racism! White people are not the only ones who can be racist, people! I’ve seen rallies in my home town where there are friends of mine who are white supporting the cause, and they get kicked out and banned because of the color of their skin, when they are fighting for the BLM movement. Don’t you guys get it? It’s RACISM!!! The way I see it, ALL LIVES MATTER! It doesn’t matter what color skin you have, or where you were born, everyone matters, not just Blacks or Whites, or Mexicans or Asians. We are all people and we all deserve equality damnit! When we as a people finally realize that, I think that this world will be a much better place. I have friends who watched me grow up, watched me build myself up from living on the streets, watched me get kicked out at 15 by my mother who was strung out on meth, watched me fight to get to where I am today, and those people who watched me struggle still say I’m “privileged”. How is that privilege? I had it harder than most of the teens I knew growing up, I didn’t choose the life I had, I was dealt a shitty hand but I made it to where I am not because the color of my skin, but because of the determination in my heart and soul, I conquered it all, I dug myself out, I didn’t have rich parents to help me, I didn’t have family that would help. Hell even the family that could help, wouldn’t help. I was judged by my mothers life choices but I never let that control me, I never let that determine who I would be. In fact, watching what my mom lived thru made me even more determined to be someone that my great grandfather could and would be proud of. I went back to school and graduated on my own, I lived on the streets but with the help of my husband we got it to where we are now not because of the color of our skin, but because of the fight, determination, and willingness to do whatever it took to be self reliant and not have to slum it. 

Anyways my point is, just because someone is white skinned, or black skinned, that DOES NOT determine who you will be, you just have to fight for what you want in life, have the willingness to do whatever it takes to be the person you want to be! Don’t let anyone tell you any different, because in this life, you can be whatever you dream to be as long as you put in the work to get there. 
ALL LIVES MATTER.

No race is better than the other, we are all created equally, and if we want to get somewhere in life, we need to respect everyone, not just those of certain ethnicity. 
Live laugh love always ❤️

Reunited!!

So today started off pretty lame lol, Drs appts, pain, the usual. One majorly happy thing happened tho, I got to see my cousins that I haven’t seen in years! It was so nice visiting with them and hanging out chatting about our lives, catching up, I can’t wait til summer when we can have pool parties and hang out by the pool teaching my son how to swim 🙂

Anyways, so I finally got the yarn that I needed to finish my nieces blanket and I can’t wait til I can finally mail off the completed blankets that I made for my Florida family, now I just gotta figure out what to make my BIL, SIL, and FIL.

As you get older, you really start to realize how important it is to be close to your family and let them know how much they mean to you. Just because you grow up doesn’t mean that you ever grow apart, they a are still your family, and family is everything so make sure that you don’t take any moment for granted, tomorrow isn’t promised, so make sure that you spend as much time as possible with those who you love, whether it’s blood, by marriage, or friends who you consider family. 

Well, back to crocheting away!!!
~: Live Life, Laugh Lots, and LOVE ALWAYS!!!❤️❤️❤️ :~

No news is good news? 

It has been so hectic in my family’s lives lately! First off, my husband works as a security guard for company “1”, (not the real name haha) and company 1 has him at a site I’ll call site 1, well site 1 has decided to switch to another company, and for the longest time we were under the impression that would leave him jobless! Well last week we found out that company “2”, the new security company, has decided to hire all the current guards to cut costs on training new guards for this site, so hubs gets to keep his job in a way!!! Yay! Well anyways, they did a background check during the application process and found that he has a suspended drivers license that we never knew about!!!! So now, he has to get rides from coworkers to and from work until we figure out why and how this all happened. The weird part is that he hasn’t had any tickets in YEARS!!! and he recently had a DMV report check from Chevy for our leased Chevy Cruze, and nothing was on it, so now we are wondering if this is possibly a mistake, because my uncle cosigned the lease so we would have a reliable vehicle to take our son places (our old car was a 1988 Mazda piece of junk that was falling apart and only had one rear seatbelt and no front ones, it was a gift from a friend so to speak) safely. Anyways, my uncle has had a suspended license for a year now, so we are wondering if it somehow showed due to that, the only other possibility is that someone lied and used his name when they were stopped. We don’t know what to think about this, it’s been so stressful, him starting this new job had so many more possibilities, but now he can only take the same site 1 that he was at before, and he had wanted to pick up some driving positions and can’t now. I was under the impression that to actually have your license suspended they had to notify you and you had to appear in court and take some class or whatever, but we never got anything in the mail. We are in California, so if anyone in California, if you know anything pertaining to this it would be awesome! We are totally clueless.
On a good note, I am absolutely in love with our recently adopted Icarus😻 I’m in the process of making him a little Crocheted Cat Cubby and it’s coming along great! He already loves it, I finished one side of it and he’s been laying on or under it all night haha!!! (See photo above) he is such a sweet lovey little guy and he has been my comfort thru all of this massive stress, cats are so awesome! 

Well I’m done with my vent for the night. 

Live Life, Laugh Lots, Love Always,

Cassie❤️

Living in “Sunny” San Diego… What a joke

I seriously think Mother Nature got her map confused, it’s supposed to be nice and warm all year round, not so cold where I can see my own breath!!! I so can’t wait til summertime!!!! The new apartment we moved to back in October has a really nice, unheated pool, so this summer we get to teach our little boy how to swim! I seriously wish that there was a jacuzzi, but finding a place with a pool was hard enough, let alone a downstairs unit close to my husbands work, that we could afford! 
Lately we have been thinking about moving tho, closer to my husbands family, and closer to my grandmother. It’s like they got our weather and we got theirs! Moving to Florida would also mean that Spencer would be closer to his cousins and get to grow up with them.  We do have family out here but it is very limited, and we rarely see any of them anyways. But that would mean a huge move, and my husband would need to find a job before we moved so it looks like the move will have to wait until he gets a job that he can transfer to another state. Meh, anyways. 

I’ve been crocheting a little here and there but I still have Christmas presents that I haven’t sent out due to lack of motivation to actually complete them, not that I don’t want my family to have them, I just haven’t been feeling up to crocheting the last one due to a massive fibro flare caused by this insanely cold weather! 

CAN WE JUST GET THE SUN BACK?!?!

-end rant-

~Live~Laugh~Love~

Happy New Year!!🎉🎉

How was your New Year celebrations? Mine was pretty mellow, my hubs worked so my New Years kiss was my little prince! 

Anyways, since my last blog we adopted a beautiful flame tip Siamese cat named Icarus😻😻😻!! He’s such a sweet and lovable cat, and he is the perfect addition to our little family❤️🐱❤️🐱

   
  Little bean toes!!! Well I don’t really have very much to talk about lol. Let’s see some pics of your fur babies in the comments!!!

Happy Holidays… And all that jazz!!

So my little family had a pretty interesting Christmas, we reconciled with my mother in law after not speaking for 8 months. A little back story, my mother in law was brought up a certain way, to always obey her parents no matter what age. Well she believes that my husband should do the same, and I’m sorry but I refuse to follow suit. I am a very opinionated person and I make my own rules. Well my mother in law had said that we HAD to make time for her weekly on her time, not ours, because children should always obey their parents. Well the days she was available was Sunday, and the time she had was when we were at church and to make time we had to miss church that week. I told her that I would be fine with every other week but that just wasn’t acceptable, well from there she stopped contact for a while. Anyways my husband asked me to please stop engaging in conversation with her because he didn’t want to deal with drama if we fought so I did as he asked. Well she called us a few days before thanksgiving saying she found our Christmas deco and to have my hubs pick it up one Sunday on his way to work. Instead I suggested to hubs that we should make it a family trip and spend an hour with her so she could visit with our son. After that we didn’t hear from her so I decided to text and invite her ( with hubs agreement) to come over either the Wednesday before Christmas or Christmas morning to watch our son open presents. She replied back and said she would love to spend Christmas morning with us as a family. She teaches at a church as the pastor of the children, they had a program on Christmas Eve so we decided to surprise her and go, knowing that none of the family was attending, we didn’t want her to feel like she didn’t matter. She was so thrilled to see us! Christmas morning she came over and it was amazing! She was an entirely different person! She had a talk with hubs the night of the program after we went home and they agreed to let the past be the past and to not hold grudges for our sons sake. We had such a fabulous Christmas with her! My husband worked Christmas Day, and had to leave for work at 3pm. Well she stayed and hung out with me and our son until almost 11pm talking with me, and playing with our son. It was the greatest gift we could have gotten for Christmas! We were blessed with a whole family again. So needless to say it was a fabulous Christmas! 
Live life, laugh lots, love always! 

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!🎄🎁🎅🏼🎉 

  

  

 

Rant and rave 

So I’m still struggling with getting the right medications to help fibro pain… My dr put me on a pain patch that worked great but my asthma disagreed with it so now they wanna try extended release pain pills. Ugh we need a #cureforfibro

I excepted this challenge, Thanks for the push!

Gunna do this later

smilebe4tears

image

I have been given a challenge from Only I know the real true me , I hope she knows that these are the two hardest words for me.  One being a way to have power over me, so I try never to use it and the other is well only a fantasy having not known the feeling myself.  But if she is strong enough to do it, then I can to.

The challenge is to list 10 things for each love and hate.

LOVE
1.  The sunrise and sunset
2.   The Ocean
3.   Helping others 
4.  Art of all types
5. Animals
6. Nature
7. Knowing that Love is out there, somewhere.
8. A good book
9. Coffee
10. A challenge to reach a goal.

HATE/DISLIKE
1. People who abuse others in any way
2. Smart people who act stupid
3. Violence of any kind
4. The word HATE!
5. …

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