Heartache

As I lay back on my couch, with my lovable cat Icarus, I can’t help but cry. I miss my mom so much, I feel like God knew that she wasn’t going to be alive much longer, so he sent me Icarus. He has been so loving, the perfect emotional support kitty. For the past few hours he has been laying with me, keeping his paws on my chest, cheeks or head, just showing me love, telling me that she’s here with me always, that he sees her here with us. Sometimes I’ll be laying with him and he just looks up towards my moms urn like he’s communicating with someone, and I just know her spirit is up there, choosing that spot so that I know it’s her. You can choose to disagree, but these things are what gets me through the days where I just want to collapse to the ground and cry my eyes out, these are the things that keep me from the agony of losing my mommy, the pain and heartache of not having my mom there watching my kids grow up. She had her issues, but she was my world. My rock. She was the strongest woman I knew. She conquered more than most can even think of coming close to battling. She was my SUPERMOM. I love you mom, and I miss you, so so much. I will never forget you, and I know you will always be with me, until the day that I die, and I know you will be there waiting for me with open arms, whole again, perfect, pain free, and just fabulous. I love you mommy. Forever and ever. 

The Fear of Baby #2

Okay, so lately me and the hubs have been trying to have baby number two, and as I start to actually think about what all it means to be a mother of two, i start to panic. I’m not so much scared of the birth, or being able to handle terrible twos and having a newborn. Β No, what I’m scared of most is that I wont be enough, that my Son wont feel like he is as loved as he is now, or that I wont be able to give my all, instead be giving each child 50%, and for me that is terrifying! I never want my son or future kids to ever feel that if their siblings weren’t born that maybe id love them more. My son means so freaking much to me! Some of you don’t know this but my two-year old is not my first child, I actually have an almost 9-year-old, but I chose Adoption as I was just too young. But see the difference is, I didn’t raise him, I didnt have two children in my home. I have always been a mother of two but my firstborn is simply not with me, and I’m glad that he has the life that he does. Anyways, I saw Β my second child as a chance to prove that I could be and would be an amazing mother, but this overwhelming fear I have just wont quit! It makes me want to scoop up little spencer and bring him in to my room to cuddle, it makes me want to just hold him and kiss him and squeeze him. I can’t be the only mother with this fear right? I just want to know that I am giving all of my children 100%, not dividing it up among them. They deserve 100%, I just need to reassure myself that this life was made for me, I am meant to be a kick-ass mother and wife, I am meant to stay home and raise my family, I am meant to be a mother, wife, teacher, nurse, counselor, chef, and every other title that comes with being a Stay-At-Home Mom/Wife, and that is exactly what I will be, whether I have one child, or the 4 that me and hubs talk about πŸ™‚ I am SuperWoman!

Cats+water=πŸ€•πŸ˜΅πŸ˜±

Well I’ve had a pretty interesting night to say the least lol. My flamepoint Siamese is massively shedding his winter coat and my house looks like it snowed fur so I had to not only brush him but give him a bath, and let me tell you it wasn’t pretty lol. But hey at least he’s clean πŸ™‚ 

Anyone know how to naturally reduce shedding on a cat? I use young living oils and I’d like to use them to help shedding but I’m not sure how to go about it. Meh.

Anywho, I think me and the hubs figured out our income issue, hubs is going to apply to be SDPD! We found out that his ticket won’t effect his application so all we gotta do is try some practice tests and prep him for the physical portion. Heh easier said than done right? Also, I spoke to my mother-in-law and she is gunna pay me to be her assistant at the preschool she works at, it’s pretty easy too it’s basically just prepping her classes the day before, and helping her with clean-up. So that’s epic. 

Well that’s it for tonight, this momma has to finish laundry and get to bed, later!!
Live life laugh lots and love always❀️

Life is stressful

Well my family like most young families just starting out, have been struggling to meet ends meat. So we have been trying to come up with ideas on what we can do to be able to afford our own place, and health care. Sure most companies offer health benefits but the prices are outrageous! For a 3 family home it’s close to 1,000$ per month!!! 

Well my husband came home from work with an idea, to become a San Diego Police Officer. Immediately I started to panic, with all the crap going on and police being killed due to some crooked cops making them all look bad, what if someone hurt my husband, or God forbid, he dies in the line of duty!!! I respect him for wanting to choose such a profession but the thought of possibly losing him terrifies me to the very core. I need insight, ideas and advice. I’m so lost on this, but this would mean financial security for our family, we would never again have to worry how we would pay rent. But I just don’t know. Is it worth it? Is it worth possibly losing my husband because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time? Is it worth my son growing up not knowing his father? Is it worth having my son wonder what it would be like if daddy was around? Ugh advice anyone?